by Jacob Beam
Dearest of mine,
I've asked to die many times, but still breathe. To move on from this place of unrest into something above, something more. But I continue on the road of this wretched rock. Gold does not change but we still chase. We ask for favors over a phone and our mouths no longer move. Look down and never up to see the trees. Boxes of lies shipped for only a few extra notes. Glowing truths of the matter new every day. Plastic dreams of something better but they never last. Throwing away the simple times for a faster movement. We stand in line but do not speak, scared of the confrontation that may occur.
Txt me ltr tn sum fuckin thing we speek.
Change a tire you don't know how. Cause a smile you don't know how. Open your mouth, your eyes, you're last. Beating on the door we're scared to talk. Knocking without answer because how dare you come over without telling me beforehand. You bastard, you freak. Friendship I seek but programs I lack. Did you binge on that show that waste of time? Did you tickle your brain and waste your mind? I lost my wit my will to branch. Am I looking for a mate or will I just connect to the sadness of the time creating a web of despair. Entering the space of resting Self. Time is money and eyes do bat. Purchase this my friend, purchase that. Eat the cake you made it for Self. The birth of days new and old. The traditions will come and go but some will never stray. We're taught how to lie, steal and cheat but playing the game you can never beat. Turn your head and raise your eyes. Look past the tarnished tube of tales and lies. It told you to think it taught you to see. But what has become of you and me? Sometimes life rhymes and sometimes it don't. But don't let the devil spin round it's turn. Worlds collapse and people burn but groups of people stomp out of rage. Feet can dance and feel no pain. Give out love and run for days. The tales of old they're new at last. Once we turn off we'll be a people clear as glass.
I've asked to die many times before.
It might be tracks of laughter prompting a stimulus that I may or may not have chosen.
It might be putting a circle on a glass that was meant to last forever but only used once.
It might be the glowing box that every family sits around.
It might be due to the dust overtaking the spine of a book and the attic of my mind.
It may be politicians lying.
It could be people looking down at the rectangle mimicking conversations.
But it's most likely the constant reversion back to the celebration of Self. Self is a tricky subject. We look in the mirror to see one image only to be flipped in the mind of another. Do you see me? Do I see You? Do I see Me?
It might be streams of a few rivers that bear a bitter taste.
It may be the lyric of the now pushing for kids to learn of birds and bees.
It might be all of the sex.
But it's most likely the image of the day. Dressing up to impress the masses but no one looks. No one sees the person you're trying to be, they only see the person you portray. Portray Self and scare the masses. Present the mind with a bit of vocabulary boosting the stimulus and watch them laugh with intrigue.
I've asked to die many times before. But I kept moving. To save face, to save this place. Looking to create a music of line that people would listen to with their eyes. A movement to change a mind, to change the line. Newsboys before took charge and wrote line. If we could see good then we might do good. But we have to recognize the distraction and cause one of our own. Unsheathe your mind and break your wand. Wave the flag and free your heart. The blind will see and the lame will walk. All it takes is a bit of talk. Off of course they'll push us right, left behind and soaked with shame. But rise again we'll walk abroad.
When I woke I broke my self. I remained rhythmic for a moment but broke stride as well. I knelt down at the river to pray but the water didn't taste sane. Constant proof of insanity burns bright but is shielded by the light of the day. Night creeps in and thought takes over. Games played with peers of the world. True love filtered through true pain. Alienated by choice but no one saw it coming. We moved in turn and took the bait. We bit the hook and spilled our blood. Red white and blue tells of truth lies and you. Bleed for the flag it raised the dead. But death is the lie. Look past the mist of the day for the truth lies in front of our eyes. Ask to see and one shall grant that sight. Flight above the average rhyme and average mind. We're all made to learn but some refuse to turn the channel of the brand. Call the number and waste your time. Five teen minutes changing from green to black. Give your money, you sold yourself, they asked for what you can't get back.
I asked to die one night and never wake up. I think it was due to lack of love. Parents love children and we see the example. But we long for own kind, a new type of love. A love that grasps the heart and refuses to let go. Forever longing to hold a wanting hand. Falling asleep dreaming and waking up thinking type of love. One that doesn't need a fight. One that doesn't need comparison. One that doesn't need separation but demands it. I long to look into a lover’s eye and know the circle that civically cements our marriage means nothing. I'll pave and cement my own path, through the heart.
That night I asked to not awake.
I set down the note and signed my name. The last talk I would have with my wife. I told her everything. I gave her Self.
I received my education from The University of Texas-Tyler. I dig art, green tea and traveling. I live in Austin, Texas. I'm really enjoying the freedom from the terrifyingly backward thinking that only East Texas can bring.