Gender Tapes: Female Form and The New First Sex

Screenshot from PENELOPEDIARY, 2014. Video. 5:05 by Victoria Campbell

by Jill Di Donato

In 1974, artist Lynda Benglis appeared in Artforum posing nude with a gigantic dildo shooting out of her crotch. Her taut, tan oiled up body— with rhinestone-studded sunglasses that cleverly obscured her eyes— (viewers’ land on the plastic veiny member: a trophy, a fetish, an objectification of male virulence at a time when postmodernism and women’s lib was in full swing) offended hundreds of subscribers and art critics alike. Art historian Rosalind Krauss publically denounced the ad for Benglis’ upcoming show at the Paula Cooper Gallery, as “vulgar,” and accused the artist, known for her latex pour technique, of mocking the aims of women’s liberation.

Forty years later, Benglis’ photograph would hardly cause a stir (though it might be censored on Instagram). The notion of gender fluidity has entered the homes of millions of Americans—if not through art, through the narrative and visual delights of pop-culture. There is nary an American who hasn’t heard of how Caitlyn Jenner was born in the wrong body, however glazed over by Hollywood magic that story has been delivered. Still, the mass media attention over the former athletic demi-god and Kardashian patriarch forced people to turn on their TVs and let the narrative of gender transformation into their homes. The response? The conversation Jenner honed in on about gender appropriation and/or transformation is not, as Rosalind Krauss argued forty years ago, an assault against liberation—women’s or otherwise, but rather an endorsement of it.

But then again, we’re not talking about phallic aspirations. We’re talking about the inverted dildo. The sociologist in me will point out that the majority of sex reassignment surgeries are predominantly male to female. This more current data holds up to previous findings as reported in the 1994 DSM (IV) reporting that male to female sex reassignment surgeries are three times as common as female to male surgeries. Respectively, there is also a more documented historical background of male to female sex reassignment. These statistics interest me for many reasons, and though I posit socio-economic conditions play key factors, I’d like to imagine it’s the body electric of the female nude that draws men to want to become women.

Let’s imagine, for a moment, that the anxiety (a human condition often misread and incorrectly construed) women feel over their bodies is not forbidding jitters to conform to a hegemonic Aphrodite, but rather the reverberations of misunderstood pleasure. What a thought!

When it comes to cultural zeitgeist, transformation, specifically in the language of gender fluidity, will define the year 2015. Of course, the Greeks and Gloria Steinem were way ahead of us, but never has the ability to caterpillar from male to female (in a physiological as well as sociocultural sense) been as topical in the collective conscious as right now. In the halls of academia, I debate a sophomore in my writing class about whether or not “they” can be used as a singular pronoun (for people who identify as gender-fluid, the answer is yes she tells me). A trip to Gunnison Beach (it’s nude) shows me what post-op breasts look like on a recently transitioned female (waifish mosquito bites) and to be honest, I’ve seen dicks on the subway and dicks on Gansevoort Street; I’ve seen tits in strip clubs and in mainstream media, but never have I seen public nudity of the post-op trans community, in a state of such unencumbered nature, devoid of fetish. The crisp Atlantic waves crashed at the shore and the aura that unfolded as we sipped Modelo Especial Cheledas from 24 OZ cans was filled with joy.

**

About five years ago, I had the opportunity to speak with Gloria Steinem after a talk she gave at Baruch College. My Jewish godmother, Judi, a Second Waver who collaborated with Black Panthers and was part of a secret-op that uncovered data that showed male CUNY adjunct professors were paid more than their female counterparts—this resulted in a lawsuit spanning 20 years, but that ended with equal pay in the CUNY system—anyway, Judi, who’d been a part of this secret-op, brought me as her guest to a post-talk champagne lunch to meet Gloria. Well-coiffed, wearing false eyelashes and formfitting black, the Ms. who’s made millions off the syntax of feminism allowed me to ask her one question before she dug into her tuna tartar. As a young journalist—not nearly as well groomed as the legend who stood before me—I could only think of something that sounded like it came from a sociology class. But alas, it was my one question and I can’t ask for a do- over, so I’ll mine it because, wtf, it’s what I’ve got. I asked what she saw as the future of Fourth Wave Feminism. Considering my question for a moment, she ran her nails, almost talon-like, manicured with stiletto French white tips through her hair, and reminded me about Tiresias.

There's a Greek myth that goes like this: On a mountaintop in the Peloponnesus peninsula of Greece, a man, Tiresias happened upon a pair of copulating snakes. Fascinated by what he saw, he stayed on the mountaintop for hours, watching them. After a while, the snakes sensed his presence and attacked him. Tiresias killed the female snake with a powerful blow. For this act, the gods changed him into a woman. Tiresias became a priestess of Hera, living as a woman for seven years. During this time, she married and bore children. When one day she went walking on the mountaintop, she discovered another pair of copulating snakes. This time Tiresias killed the male, and the gods changed him back to a man.

Because Tiresias had lived both as a man and a woman, he could offer the gods unique insight. For this reason, he was called in by Zeus and Hera to settle an argument: who enjoys sex more, men or women? Tiresias replied that women receive the greater pleasure. "Of ten parts a man enjoys one only."

Though it might behoove me to go on about the tenfold pleasure of the female sex, I’m going to move away from this discovery. Ms. Steinem brought up the story of Tiresias as emblematic of the final frontier in the fight for equal rights between men and women. Feminisms—as the Third Wave taught us—allows (note my use of feminisms [plural] as a collective and thus singular noun) for intersectional points of view when it comes to dismantling the myriad deleterious effects of patriarchy. The one phenomenon millennials face that has eluded generations past, is the en masse fluidity in gender—both in representational forms, through such signifiers as art and language, but also through biology, as understood with sex reassignment surgeries.

Not one to pit substance against style—for me, such merging is an alchemy that keeps me sated in the bleakest emotional recessions—I’d like to start speculating just what about the female form is so aesthetically appealing. The form, and as such, I mean the female body—as spectacular and problematic it may be in modern culture—is an undeniable locus of power. So why then, does she remain the second sex?

In thinking about all this, the three to one male to female sex reassignment ratio really stuck with me. All this time I thought I’d been living as the second sex. Her power (the second sex has been established as female) is elusive, ephemeral, static, and oh so reliant on an X factor—that final ingredient that can, once-in-a-relished-while, turn superstructures on their heads.

That X factor a woman can possess that can make her Wonder Woman is what all ambitious women and sexually fluid men want, isn’t it?

**

It’s late August in Brooklyn. There’s a profusion of water bugs on the sidewalks. I don’t know why I’m calling them water bugs. They’re cockroaches—except they’re the gigantic kind, and they roam the avenues amongst Park Slope pedestrians getting gelato. It’s humid as fuck and I’m not going to lie, looking at the vile cockroaches scuttling along while I contemplate beauty gives me morbid curiosity. Yes, I’m musing from a point of privilege, and somehow, it’s necessary to disclose that when talking about issues like beauty and aesthetic experience, because people fighting for their lives don’t have the luxury to be so shallow. I pull out my phone and check Instagram. An advert for an art show opening tonight at Max Fish (the new Max Fish as 186 Ludlow became 120 Orchard) called Girls, Girls, Girls appears in my feed. Richard Kern, Alessandro Simonetti, Kareem Black, Ricky Powell and other photographers known for shooting hot chicks gets me to leave Brooklyn for the night, to go and interview dudes who shoot nudes and other stunning women in various states of power. I do want to figure this out: what’s so alluring about the female body?

 

Jemima Kirke by Richard Kern

“Is that a trick question?” Richard Kern says to me when I ask him that question. I make it to the city, to the new Max Fish, and it’s a crowded affair: skaters and the models who love them; artists and the models who love them; and wannabe models and the models who love them. Ooh, and people like me: oddballs who end up at places like these because we get high off second-hand adoration.

He’s serious, Kern is, and I’m nervous. Instagram, we agree early on in our chat, has “let loose a tidal wave of exhibitionism.” Still, there is a difference, we acknowledge, behind the 45 selfies it takes to get a decent booty-shot and the female nude shot by a professional photographer. “People don’t envy the female nude,” Kern tells me explicitly. “They envy the photographer taking her picture.” To clarify what at first seemed to me an amateur observation from an auteur who blurs the line between art and porn, Kern adds, “There’s a difference between a female nude and the female nude.” Oh, semantics, I think, sipping on a watered-down tequila. What’s that you say?

“There’s a difference between a [female] nude. She looks great sticking on your wall. But the [female] nude, she’s an actual person.”

“I take pictures of everybody. Men, women, dogs, fat chicks. I’m a sapiosexual,” Ricky Powell tells me, his hands, finding their way around my waist.

I don’t doubt it for a second. What’s kept Powell relevant all these years from the days when he shot Basquiat, Haring, supermodels and the Beastie Boys is his ability to jive with his environment. “The most important thing about a woman is her ability to project herself into the world.” And here, Powell picks up Kern’s comment about the female nude being a person as opposed to being an object.

Sofia Coppola by Ricky Powell  

Oh, but Third Wavers and my own anecdotal research as an “exotic dancer” taught me that a woman has the power within her to be both subject and object at once. False bifurcations like subject/object; Madonna/whore; sexy/smart have impacted gender discourse over the past 20 years leading us to a space where fluidity seems the natural progression. Is the dismantling of female/male next? One has got to wonder.

“I’m looking to have a conversation with my subjects,” photographer Kareem Black tells me. “There’s that dude photographer who all he wants to do is fuck [his model]. That’s not me. But the thing is within portraiture, the art of it, requires some flirtation.”

Kareem Black

Ah, yes, of course there’s flirtation. To deny the sexual chemistry that helps get “I’s” dotted and “T’s” crossed within the art world and beyond is naïve. The coquettish smile of a woman holds within its toothy confines remarkable power. And the male photographer smiling back: is that with delight, curiosity, envy or a mash-up of all three not necessarily conflicting emotions?

The curator of the Girls, Girls Girls, photographer Brian Boulos says, “The female nude has been studied time and time again, and I don't think there's an answer to why people are fascinated by it; it's just human nature, to love the curves and the forms that women possess. I don't think I can think any deeper than that about it. I think part of the allure is that it's always so hidden, especially in America and many, many other countries.”

I’ve heard this before, the “hidden” power of the female sex. "On the female nude," Zach Hyman, a photographer who made a splash several years ago shooting nudes in public places, like the NYC subway and the Metropolitan Museum of Art explains, "the [female] genitalia is tucked away, but on the male nude, even if everything is else tight and taut, there's still that one part that's hanging out and is very exposed." What a wonderful metaphor for the way our culture views sexuality! Though we live in a super-sex-saturated society, when it comes down to it, sex is a very tender territory, and in many ways, we are still taught to tuck it away.

Which brings me back to transformation, a move to tuck inwards. The “tucked in” anatomy possessed by the female nude, whose power is subverted, exploited, and desired by a culture that institutionally promotes men over women and makes panty models angels with the power to fly remains a hot topic in the art world. While it’s no revelation that power is not static—this new very public discussion about male-to- female gender transitioning is an exciting progression in dismantling hegemonic ideas about gender and beauty (and because this is America, power). Aesthetics are crucial, and, as Susan Sontag would say, a cultural evaluation. The international proliferation of transgender art (programs like Rock Around Asia, a Bangkok based art gallery-museum and online showroom has an extensive collection of paintings of and by transgender artists) speaks to a new conversation about the body politic: one that is more fluid. This malleability translates into a larger discussion about beauty: namely that one can slip in and out of states of beauty at will. Once you see that beauty can be a choice, ugliness too becomes a choice. The agency here helps chip away at hegemonic beauty standards, so that eventually they will become less oppressive.

**

When I was a kid, my dad bought me a Transformer, one of the action figures from the comic about lonely yet adventurous shape-shifting robots. I used it (him?) to fuck my Barbie. It was more like fisting even though Barbie doesn’t have a vagina. The Transformer had a steel-like arm that extended up and down. At the tip was a claw. A basement flood drowned my Barbies. Before the flood, when I was a teenager, my dad moved out and took the Transformer with him. He’s gay, and came out to my mom—thus the new apartment a bus ride away where he kept immaculate parquet floors and the Transformer on his mantle, like a talisman.

“As a man,” begins photographer Alessandro Simonetti on the power of the female nude, “I believe it’s the form itself. The simplicity of shape is what makes it appealing.” When it comes to shooting women, Simonetti, who describes the majority of his work as very male-oriented (Jamaican horseracing, motorcycles, international basketball) shoots his “other half” jeweler, Jules Kim. He explains the process: “There’s no plan. She’s not a subject I picked. She picked me. It’s natural. I shoot Jules because I spend most of my time with her.”

Portrait of Jules by Allessandro Simonetti

One dilemma in the infinite—digital media has made it so— aggregation of female nudes in the art world is that the work of male artists is still valued over the work of female artists. One could say this is just another symptom of patriarchal capitalism and the gendered wage gap that our country stands behind. There’s also this disturbing discrepancy between the male artist who takes a picture of a beautiful woman and a beautiful female artist who uses her body as canvas. The latter is dismissed, the former an auteur. Says artist Leah Schrager who, with Jennifer Chan curated the online exhibit Body Anxiety, “My personal frustration is that the art world seems more likely to value women who are ‘made art’ over women who ‘make art.’” In Schrager’s essay, “The Female Painter,” which accompanies Body Anxiety, the artist talks about this notion of “Man Hands” as part of a larger social apparatus.

“If Man Hands touch a woman (i.e. place her in his art), she can become a valuable piece of art. But if Man Hands haven’t touched her (i.e. she places herself in her art), she can certainly be considered art, but her value is likely to be substantially less, and in the world of value (the world of art?), less and more are all.”

The mission of female-identified curated shows like Body Anxiety (which went live in January of 2015 but will remain online indefinitely) is to collect “female-empowering artworks in one single location” to push back against appropriation of the female nude by male artists. Artists included in this exhibition, like Ann Hirsch, Kate Durbin, Mary Bond and RaFia Santana explore performance and self-representation on the internet. Subject matter varies from to screen shots of professional amateur pornography (Ann Hirsch and Mary Bond) to an embodiment of Lana Del Rey by performance artist Georges Jacotey,, a male artist known for a mash-up of Vladimir Putin and gay porn. I guess I still come back to Schrager’s notion of “Man Hands,” which begs the question, at what point does representation become appropriation?

What We Do Is Secret, 2015, gouache on c-prints by Erika Blair

There’s so much at stake economically for the capitalization of femininity. The revenue for the cosmetic industry has steadily increased over the past decade and is estimated at over 64 billion dollars. Of that fortune, beauty manufacturers spent 2.2 billion dollars on advertising, primarily to millenials with smartphones.

What’s worse than these statistics is the self-loathing that accompanies failure to meet the standards of beauty endorsed by “Man Hands” and the corporate fashion-beauty industry that we all know exists, but still can make a woman feel ugly. That $64 billion is spent on pills and potions, creams and lotions, on cover-up and flaw-fixers to give the illusion that maybe she’s born with it. But what about those women who are not born with it? What about transgender women who rely on cosmetics—products and procedures—to build their identity? Is the spike in male-to-female sex reassignment the ultimate form of gender appropriation? And if it is, is this phenomenon something that thwarts female power or endorses it?

A friend of a friend is currently transitioning to become female. This person didn’t want to be identified and didn’t want to talk about the experience of transitioning but did offer one anecdote. She says that one of the most powerful memories is being a five-year-old at her mother’s beauty salon. Accompanying her mother to the salon was always a pleasurable experience—the very pills and potions creams and lotions that sometimes make me livid about the bodily manipulations I have to undergo in order to look up to par actually entranced this little girl trapped in a boy’s body. Then one day, she was told to sit in the stylist’s chair. She had long hair, you see, too long to start school with, for just as hegemonic beauty standards exist for women, so to do they exist for men. Snip, snip, snip. The loss of hair was a Biblical trauma for this little girl in a boy’s body.

I started out this essay with the idea that body anxiety women experience (the dread of a my thigh gap—is it widening? self-loathing at a wrinkle creeping from beneath my eye—couldn’t I have taken better precautions to prevent these burps of humanity?) might be a smokescreen for pleasure—a pleasure in our physical femininity social institutions would rather us not feel. Fear, you see is a more profitable motivator than pleasure—especially when it comes to women. But what about men who want to be women?

**

I’ve had a hard time standing in my own accomplishments. And like many of my lady friends, I see my flaws more so than my beauty. But there are days when I can appreciate my body because it’s mine and because it does things. Because it can look pretty, because it can struggle as opposed to suffer, because it can run a 5K and have multiple orgasms. I subscribe to fashion rags, teach at a college with the word fashion in its moniker, and have been known to enjoy a New York Fashion Week fete or two. If you scroll down my Instagram feed, you’ll find those sexy selfies I couldn’t help but indulge in when the app was new. Perhaps I don’t post such images anymore because I don’t want that sort of attention. “I watch so many girls doing all these sexy selfies as a way of self- promotion; I don’t know what they’re trying to do. They’re imitating [the male gaze] the style of someone like Richard Kern, who’s a good friend. He’s inundated with requests from women to take their clothes of for him and be shot by him,” this from one of the most respected, downtown chic fashion stylists (The Face, Armani Exchange, Vogue Japan) Heathermary Jackson. “I prefer selfies that are a little ugly when a woman is not scared to show herself looking rough.”

Jackson, who’s always had one foot in the fashion world, one foot in the art world, curated her first New York art show in 2013, and has turned that venture into an online showroom filled with art, music, and clothing called Brownstone Cowboys. So here is a woman curator and stylist, one who works in the fashion and art industries. I ask her what draws her to the female form. “I’m definitely drawn to an unusual face [favorites include models Lindsey Wixson, known for her front tooth gap and full pout and Stella Lucia whose angular face is defined by a strong jawline]. Because I like my styling to have a masculine edge— that’s my aesthetic—girls in men’s clothing, like big boot or something a little off, I prefer to work with models who are not stick-figures. I like the juxtaposition of making them look boyish with womanly curves.”

She reminds me of one thing that I’ve lost sight of in this inquiry, which is the easy subjectivity of it all. “Within the fashion-beauty industry there are two camps of people—those who like the BS girls and those who mix in transgender models,” says Jackson. “Thank goodness people like different things.”

I recently met up with an ex of mine. We hadn’t spoken in years. As we drank beer in a neighborhood dive, the vibe was filled with sexual tension, anger, and regret—much like the relationship itself. He’s an artist now and, unbeknownst to me, I appeared in one of his “video installations.” Apparently, he recorded footage over one of our sex tapes. At the opening of his art show, he tells me, there was a mix up and the tape continued to play. Let’s just say the crowd was treated to a double feature that night. I don’t know how much of me these strangers saw, if they thought our fucking was supposed to be art or a joke. I told a girlfriend about this. She was horrified. I have to admit, not only am I unashamed by this incident, I’m a bit turned on.


Jill Di Donato is the author of the novel Beautiful Garbage, about prostitution and the NYC 1980s art scene (She Writes Press, 2013). She writes about gender, culture, art, and style and had a sex column at the Huffington Post for five years. These days, she teaches writing at the Fashion Institute of Technology and lives in Brooklyn with her two pet snakes. 


Her Tongue is History, Her Body a Mystery by Max Barrie

Text by Max Barrie

            This is gonna be a fun story to squeeze…

            My life gets better everyday… because everyday it gets closer to being over.

            And I have an Ab-Fab setup… so why am I constantly twisted up like a bag full of pretzels?  My brilliant parents love me and still bankroll The “Maxccident.”  I have a genius younger sister who continues to raise me via SMS text.  I have friends… HAD friends.  They’re all gone now.  Dead or grown-up or missing.  I’ve had two girlfriends in my life… they both married doctors oddly enough— one still believes I’m a homosexual.  She never really explains.  Maybe she found my bodybuilding mags?!  I kid.  But she suspects I’m closeted.  And believe me… if you saw her - and I told you I broke it off - you might think I craved the ol’ calzone too.  I’ve never made love to a better looking woman than the one who took my virginity at 19… this girl robbed me of my wasted youth on a brown leather sofa.  It was all downhill from there.

            I was once hanging out with a very famous Playboy Playmate and her husband in Sherman Oaks around 2002.  This was before Playboy got dressed and Hugh Hefner legitimately became a bowl of oatmeal.  Anyway, this Playmate’s husband was talking to me about internet porn… and jerkin’ off.  I was in SHOCK because his wife was the hottest woman EVER— what’s this clown doing WWW-ing pussy?  Eventually I would know the truth about people… and certainty says— everybody gets burnt out on everybody.  More so guys growing tired of girls from what I’ve seen.  And that’s a sad fact.  This couple eventually divorced… Que Sera, Sera… the future was mine to see.

            And while I’m not letting women off the hook, I believe in many ways they are more evolved creatures than us.  If you have a penis and you want to build a life with a woman you “love,” you have to look in the mirror and ask yourself— “Am I ready to be better than my biology?  Do I LOVE this person enough to go against my nature from this day forward?”  I’m not really sure what women need to say to themselves in the mirror before they settle up.  I’m not a woman… so I won’t comment.  Being a man has not been pleasant… to say the least.  But from my perspective, there is no greater challenge than being female.  If you “survive” life as a man, in the next life God might give you a vagina.  “You are ready my son, here comes the sideways slice-a-roo.”

            I’m lonely… a lot of us are.  I’m a lonely tortured car-less Beverly Hills toad.  And I miss booze… it was always there… my white knight grinning from across the room.  I can’t say the same about life or people… or Madison Grendel.

            Nobody had seen Maddy at the rehab I had recently checked into.  She was a ghost then and she’s a ghost to this day.  At the time, she was sleeping off a meth binge.  I think it had been nearly six months that she was shooting the snappy stuff into her veins.  LATER THAT YEAR at an Omakase lunch, a mentor of mine said— any person who injects meth into their body truly hates themselves to the very core.  A lot suddenly came clear.  Madison Grendel hated herself and she wanted to leave earth… and I don’t mean in a rocketship.  But like in 1989’s Batman… The Joker created Batman long before Keaton dropped Nicholson into that vat of acid.  A small town and a strict family in Arizona had created Maddy, long before the trouble started.  A product of her environment… aren’t we all.

            One night I was sitting in the living room of this rehab watching shit TV.  This was before Netflix and Hulu muscled their way in.  Suddenly, a tall, thin, black-haired Japanimation character crept into the room in her bare feet.  She was so thin, that she almost didn’t exist— like a shadow.  I watched this 20-something girl grab snacks from the nearby kitchen like she hadn’t eaten since Tuesday.  She probably hadn’t.  She was wearing earbuds to avoid any possible communication.  I didn’t know then, but music marinating her mind would become her signature style.  I would eventually learn that she was so twisted and so tortured, songs temporarily kept her from the darkness.  In moments she disappeared down the hall with her goodies and I didn’t see her again for a couple more days.  When I asked a rehab tech about the mysterious junkie, he told me her name was Maddy.

            Maddy’s hair hung down to her lower back… and she wore clothes that concealed every inch of her body.  Mostly long sleeve shirts and hoodies and sweat pants.  She was on holiday from a hell I couldn’t possibly imagine.  Madison had big beautiful almond shaped eyes and was very soft-spoken, but rarely spoke at all.  She mostly listened to her music, doodled on scratch paper and chain smoked cigarettes.  She would go back and forth between Marlboro Reds and Camel Lights, but never said why.

            Everybody in rehab has a roommate… at least they used to.  It was a common practice to keep people from isolating and to put more heads on beds— fill the joint up.  My roomie was a kid from Manhattan named Conner.  He was probably 19 or 20 at the time.  Anyway, he was immediately taken with the mystery that was Maddy— which was funny because I had assumed he was gay.  Something feminine about him.  Anyway, he started talking to her in free moments, and one night while I was elsewhere, they made out in our room.  Later, Conner found me outside smoking and his lip was bleeding.  Maddy had apparently bitten down a little too hard during their sesh.  But he didn’t give a shit, he was hooked— love at first bite.  After that it was like Maddy had rescued a Labradoodle… she couldn’t get rid of this kid.  But they both seemed pleased with each other’s company and I was pleased that they were pleased.

            In treatment addicts love to hook-up.  Everybody humps in life.  But you throw two dry drunks or sober druggies in a room and they’ll smoke each other, ya dig?  Most everyone who works in recovery or has time in sobriety frowns on sex in the beginning… I don’t.  I used to buy into the bullshit of— you’re either using a dick fix or a magical box as a binky— OR you’re rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic.  I was always told I needed to focus on myself, YET I was ALSO TOLD service work was important in sobriety to get me out of myself.  Blah, blah, blah… meanwhile it’s perfectly acceptable to be a pharmaceutical induced chain-smoking zombie.  That’s cool and won’t have any negative consequences.  My point is, people are going to find each other and bang each other… it’s in our nature.  And rebellious anti-authoritative personalities are gonna enjoy doing it that much more in a broom closet.  The whole game of hide-and-fuck is a high in itself.           

            That said, I couldn’t see what was happening to Conner… he was coming apart in Maddy’s hands like stale Play-Doh… day by day… bit by bit… piece by piece.  She didn’t do it for me, so I couldn’t yet understand.  In this life, tunnel vision and lack of insight are a double-barreled shotgun.  At the time neither she nor Conner were really on my radar.  He was a love sick kid and she was some mute popcorn hoe.  In our room at night, Connie would tell me how beautiful Madison was and how her big mouth and long tongue would swallow his lips during their dry hump sessions.  I found this mildly amusing and thought of a cow.  I also learned that Madison would occasionally play with his pecker, but her clothes never came off.  He had never seen the goods unwrapped.  I just assumed she was all scarred up from shooting drugs or that she had caught fire in a meth lab. 

            By the time Maddy left Los Angeles, I had never seen her without her clothes off either.

            Connie looked up to me.  I’m not sure why.  Admiring an older drunk in rehab seems like a step in the wrong direction.  But I was funny and friendly and we would talk shit, and I would make him laugh about sad truths in life— like waking up in the morning.  At the time there were probably fifteen patients total in the facility, and I made some lifelong fans during that stay.  This was my third time in drug rehab and fourth time is treatment. 

            I’m not bragging… believe me, nobody hates Max Barrie more than Max Barrie.  I’m not my taste.  But I often did well in these contained therapeutic environments, especially having been there before.  There was little pressure and lots of downtime— giving me the opportunity to find friends.  I’m often agreeable, empathetic, and usually giggling about something.  And during this particular stay, I wasn’t heavily medicated— which was always a personality plus.  For years the street drugs and booze weren’t the problem.  It was this crap that was prescribed to me by professional nudniks.  Creeps.  My “get well story” was an artist’s journey, but it was often handled like a science experiment.  I would however like to give a special shoutout to Ritalin, which helped me flip the switch on eleventh grade… until I started snorting it.  Feel the burn.

            I didn’t know it yet, but Maddy started to like me.  She began taking her earbuds out and talking to me.  And during group therapy she would say nice things about me.  She knew I was a writer and she showed me some of her journaling and scratch paper doodles… a few times she even wrote me three to four page letters detailing her day and the evil circus between her ears.  Conner didn’t seem to mind that Maddy had taken a liking to me.  He liked me just as much, if not more.  And the fact that he thought I was cool, probably fueled any tiny flame that she felt for me.  Women love noise.  I liked Madison too, but didn’t think about her sexually.  Not really.  Something about her spooked me… maybe the intravenous drug use?  But there was also a lack of emotion.

            Maddy seemed sad right before it was my time to leave.  She shared about it in group.  I was kind of touched, listening to her talk.  I didn’t know that she had felt that much of a connection with me.  Maddy had another ten days left, but would remain in LA for aftercare and sober living.  By this time, she had started to transform a little.  She had gained some weight from all the junk food… there was color in her face, and layers to her skin.  One day she visited a hair salon… and when she came back, that’s when my troubles started.

            She had short black hair, down to her chin now… and with those big windows and full lips… she looked like a “1990 Demi Moore,” but hotter.  Four weeks earlier she was a paper thin pale-faced junkie with bad skin.  Her body even looked better.  The right stuff popped out, everything else stayed in like it was supposed to.  She reminded me of a broken rose.  At last I saw the lovely.

“Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it."   —Confucius                                                                                         

            Like most men, I usually know if I want HER within seconds of meeting HER.  But with Maddy, I had to wait a month.  And Conner, I didn’t care.  I did care for him, but I was more interested in myself… and now even more interested in Madison.

            I checked out of the rehab and rented a private room at a sober living.  It was basically a three thousand dollar a month closet, but it was all mine.  I soon started getting calls from an unknown number.  When I finally decided to answer, it turned out to be Madison calling.  She wanted to know where I was living and what I was up to.  Then I started running into her at our outpatient program.  She would also phone me more frequently.


"I used to think that ready money made a man, and I wanted to stick out my green prick whenever and wherever possible.  In Hell-A, if you have cash, people smile when they see you.  But they’re disingenuous little devils.  A man is made in the storm of life, once he stops doing childish things and starts helping others. "


            Just like in a book, Maddy was from a screwy strict Catholic family.  And after spending enough time with her, my best guess is she also had a genius level IQ.  She once mentioned in passing that she had been accepted to Harvard, but went to a state school because of a boy she followed… and this boy eventually broke her heart.  She wasn’t street meat off the sidewalk grill… Maddy was well read, well educated and even played the piano like Beethoven.  I mean it was creepy to see this punk chick in a hoodie go at it like a concert pianist.  Bit by bit, piece by piece… some of her story surfaced.

            Her state school sweetheart dumped her sophomore year, and after a long battle with depression, Maddy dropped out.  She was in so much distress, she couldn’t really focus on her studies.  So like all great alcoholics and addicts in training, she said “fuck it.”

—to her strict family

—to her formal education

—to religion, which she never bought into anyway.

            Her parents stopped communicating with her and she started using now and again.  A few pills, some weed, a little blow.  All in the name of a good time and passing the time.  And I empathize.  If you get under the covers with booze and dope, they will eventually turn on you, but unlike a boyfriend or an unforgiving family, a substance will never turn it’s back on you.  And that my friends is the drug rub.  So Maddy started playing around… but more of an opportunist than an addict - at this point - she began selling to pay her way, and to afford the bad habits she enjoyed.  Everyone loves a pretty girl… and one who’s HOLDING trumps a bitch on the runway any day of the week.

            In order to sell more, she became tight with some very bad people and started bringing in real money.  She had contacts in Texas, Arizona, and across the border.  I know what you’re thinking— is this girl for real?  Is Max Barrie full of shit?  And who the hell is Max Barrie?  Honestly, I can’t effectively answer any of those questions.  I’m telling you my version of things and what Maddy conveyed to me during the time that I knew her.  But she could’ve been taking me for a ride, entertaining me, spinning stories that never were.  According to her, she started selling heroin.  She lived alone in an apartment with 3 handguns, 1 shotgun, and a safe full of drugs, just like in the movies.  She even had a pit bull.  And for a few years her life was moving, but never moving forward.  Money kept coming in… but eventually she had to pay the fiddler.

            Any possible tall tales aside,  I knew for a fact that Maddy would meet with a team of attorneys regularly, and I also listened to a few threatening voicemails she got from old “co-workers” back home.  She finally changed her number.

            Both in different sober livings, I picked her up one night and took her out to a birthday party in Hollywood.  The bouncer wouldn’t let us in at first because I was wearing sweatpants.  Never mind that they were seven-hundred dollar sweatpants from Maxfield.  So I did the unthinkable… I told the gatekeeper who I was and who was celebrating their birthday that night.  A few minutes later we got in.  After the party, Maddy and I went to see some awful horror movie in Century City.  Like we were in 7th grade, I took her hand during a spooky Scooby-Doo moment.  We kissed.  I finally understood what Conner had been talking about.  Her mouth was the Batcave and her tongue nearly took me down.  I didn’t mention anything that night, but I would eventually call her on it.  Still, she would always refuse to display her big pink taster.  I asked to see it many times.

            Like Conner, I gradually started to become infatuated with Maddy.  Part of it was that she soon became hard to reach, which is always exciting.  Speaking of Conner, he found out I was fooling around with Maddy.  He asked me why I would do something like that?  He thought we were friends.  I felt bad, we were friends… sort of, but isn’t this how friends treat each other?  It was how most “friends” had always treated me… as an afterthought.  Conner soon flew back to New York.  I heard he relapsed, but I can’t be sure.  He changed his number and wasn’t on Facebook.  Anyway, fuck him.  No, fuck you, Max.  I’m sorry I hurt you, Connie.  Women have always been so few and far between that when one gave the go-ahead, I didn’t think about anything or anyone else.

            I had some funds at the time… maybe my sweatpants gave it away?  I had been working before I landed in treatment, and had recently inherited six figures.  So I was spending a lot, acting like a big shot.  I used to think that ready money made a man, and I wanted to stick out my green prick whenever and wherever possible.  In Hell-A, if you have cash, people smile when they see you.  But they’re disingenuous little devils.  A man is made in the storm of life, once he stops doing childish things and starts helping others.  If you’re lucky enough to strike gold, like I did at birth, be very careful, but be generous.  If you’re blowing money left and right to feed your fickle beasts, you’re missing the point.

            I took Maddy to Nobu for dinner, as well a handful of other pricey establishments.  I bought her a birthday necklace at Chrome Hearts.  She even got a little emotional, saying she couldn’t remember the last time anyone bought her anything.  We both lived in sober livings, so I wasn’t allowed to play with her ass indoors.  There was a lot of making-out in my car.  Up front in a donut shop parking lot… in the backseat, parked along PCH.  I kept trying to toss it in, but she would never get undressed.  I still hadn’t slept with her yet.  Now don’t I look silly?  Thats my specialty.  A lot of embracing one another and intense drama and even a couple mediocre blow-jobs.  But that about summed it up.

            I eventually got us a suite at The Beverly Hills Hotel and we ordered room service and crawled under the covers to watch a movie.  Surely, this would be a thigh opening experience for her.  But she refused to get undressed… and sometimes when I touched her, she would tremble.  Because I’m an asshole, I cracked jokes about her having a cock that she didn’t want me to find… that’s when she told me a horror story.

            Last year she was robbed, beat-up and BRUTALLY SEXUALLY ASSAULTED by two guys she knew back home.  I can still hear her say those three words to me— “Brutally Sexually Assaulted.”  And even though I didn’t have CSI evidence, I believed her.  Talking about it, Maddy looked like her insides had been kicked out through her stomach.  She wouldn’t say much more… other than she knew the two guys who robbed and raped her, and she didn’t call the police because of the line of work she was in.  She also mentioned that since it happened she couldn’t get undressed without having a panic attack.  So showers were quick, mirrors were covered, and sex was difficult to say the least.

            After the attack, Madison’s addiction really took hold.  “Casual” became “tragical.”  She started regularly smoking meth, didn’t sleep for days, even got sloppy with work… eventually she started shooting the drugs.  All pookie and no cliche makes Jack a dull boy.  This went on for months.  Maddy was originally only trying to cope, but eventually it became a kamikaze mission.  She canceled her insurance, stopped paying bills, gave away belongings… like when Nick Cage’s character went to Vegas.  But before her credits could roll, the DEA knocked on her door with a number of charges.  Possession, distribution, trafficking, you name it.  However, the authorities told her it could all be a bad dream if she helped them.  That’s when Maddy lawyered up, flew out to Cali, and landed in rehab with me.

            I started to have nightmares and daymares about the guys who attacked Madison.  I replayed a brutal assault in my mind that I knew nothing about, over and over… I pictured horrible evil Pulp Fictiony things.  Whatever images you conjure up while you’re reading this are sufficient, as mine certainly were for me.

            I started to lose myself, and only think and breathe about Madison… rescuing her and avenging her horrible attack, then the two of us running away together.  I soon told her I loved her and she told me the same.  And in some warped and twisted reality, we probably did love each other.  It just wasn’t the kind of love that came with a white picket fence or stood the test of time.  And then she’d disappear more often, or not return my messages… so I’d break things off… and then she’d come back crying and give me head… and we’d start over just as soon as I finished.  When Maddy was around I would only think about her leaving, and when she wasn’t around I would wonder where she was.  During the worst of it, nothing helped.  I was stone cold sober and emotionally invested in the wind.  It was a lot like being on drugs.

            Anger, shame and selfishness gripped me in it’s tiny claw.  I was furious with those two guys who raped Maddy.  I also was angry at her for “letting it happen???”  I was upset that I couldn’t fuck her because what did that say about me?  And then I piled on the shame for thinking such selfish disgusting thoughts… and what did THAT say about me?!  If I could have shot fireballs out of my eyes, this would’ve been the time.  Also, fuck the DEA for arresting her.  Fuck the lawyers who were billing her.  Fuck the recovery community for making us sneak around.  Fuck Conner for being a butt pirate and relapsing. 

            Wherever I pointed my finger, it didn’t really matter.  There were always three pointing back.  Oh, ok, maybe this is why the recovery community frowns on newly sober people dating?

            When the new year arrived, Maddy and I had officially stopped getting together.  And that’s when I melted into a pile of clothes and slime.  I thought about suicide and I even thought about homicide… however anything I thunk was in bed.  I could barely get up to take a leak.  My version of a Porta-Potty was some of those red plastic keg cups on my dresser.  I rarely left my sober living, but when I did come up for air, I’d get horribly paranoid.  I would think I saw Madison nearby or that her car was following me, or that my friends were fucking her… or not fucking her?  I’m not sure what’s worse.

            You go to rehab to stop drinking and using drugs… at least I did.  Pretty much everything else is none of anybody’s business as long as I’m not hurting myself or someone else.  You could certainly make the argument that Maddy and I were hurting one another.  Because even though we grew into each other, we were the last thing each other needed.  But whether the sobriety scene put their guns in the ground or not, this relationshit happened… and so will others.

            The best advice I got in the middle of all this was from a certain compassionate witness who always wore a hat.  He had seen it all and been through it all.  And he didn’t talk at me, he sat and listened to what I had to say.  And when I finished, he paused… then spoke, “I’m not Nostradamus and can’t predict the future, buddy.  Any Rehab and Juliet romance will either work or it won’t… this may be a good thing OR it may not.”  And that was all.  There was no judgement… so I could hear him… and because I could hear him, I could digest.  He then explained how common rape and trauma were… he threw out frightening statistics and said that many female victims knew the men who assaulted them.

            My very first girlfriend I met in a drug rehab.  She’s the one who took my virginity at 19.  We were together for nearly three years.

            The only difference between rape and murder is— with rape, the victim bleeds out over a lifetime.  Madison went back to Arizona and I never saw her or spoke to her again.  At some point we texted… maybe a year later… and I learned she had a legitimate day job and had relapsed again on meth.  Don’t know what happened with her legal problems.  She wouldn’t say. 

            I burned a kid who looked up to me and soon after I became a caricature of him.  With time, I snapped out of my love sick craziness and it morphed into something else… I also started fucking Alexis— a tiny tattooed grunge girl who lived in my sober living.  She granted me vagina access, and was great at sucking cock and even better at swallowing, if that’s possible?  The antidote really is the poison.


Max Barrie is a writer and artist currently based in Los Angeles. The son of screenwriters, Michael Barrie and Sally Robinson, Max was born and raised in Beverly Hills, California. With acerbic wit and self deprecating humor, Max documents his life growing up in the shallow, superficial depths of Beverly Hills and the Hollywood machine. In his multiple part autobiographical series, entitled A Trendy Tragedy, Max will explore his bouts with addiction, prostitution and his search for identity in a landscape that is rife with temptation and false ideals. 

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