Why Is It So Hard To Leave Los Angeles? By Keely Shinners

text by Keely Shinners

 

I leave the States in one week, July 3rd, the day before Independence Day. We have been joking a lot about how post-modern Americana it is, how David Foster Wallace may have used it as a first sentence in something.

When I talk or write about it, I say it differently: I leave Los Angeles in one week.

I have only lived here for a few months. I grew up in Illinois. I moved to Southern California, to a far suburb of L.A., towards San Bernardino. I have only lived in Los Angeles since May. I leave in one week. 

Still, it has become very difficult for me to leave Los Angeles. I have been crying at small things. Such as, the mention of going to Malibu. Such as, petting my editor’s cats (who actually do not like petting, but prefer spanking, the sado-maschochists).

I cry at less sentimental things as well. Such as, Billboard top 40 hip hop songs on the radio and finding a cheap cup of coffee ($1.75 at a place on Spring Street, across from the building where I have worked for more than a year).

Why is it so much harder to leave Los Angeles than anywhere else I have been?

I have a boyfriend in Los Angeles.

(I had a fiancé in Illinois.)

I have a life in California. I go to parties and I am recognized. I have writing jobs that publish my work and encourage me to keep writing.

(At one point, I believe I could have had a life at home too. A wedding in Chicago. A teaching job, like my mother. A big window overlooking Lake Michigan, with a writing desk.)

It’s warmer in L.A.

It’s warmer in L.A.? Really?

This is the one distinction between Los Angeles and other places I have been: in Los Angeles, it is easier to lie. Or at least to embellish. I have told so many lies in Los Angeles and people still believed me, respected me, loved me, even. L.A. attaches itself to a good story, whether or not the story is rooted in anything wholly true.

In L.A., I can say the words, “I am a writer,” to artists and sandwich makers and girls at bars. They nod and sip their drinks and say, “Oh, cool.”

At home, I can barely say the words, “I want to be a writer.” Let alone “I will be,” and certainly not, “I am.”

Los Angeles, city in love with good stories. And me too. I have read so much here. Didion. Bukowski. Eve Babitz.

Malibu is the most beautiful place in Los Angeles.

Malibu is at least the most beautiful-sounding place in Los Angeles because it is called Malibu, because it is attached to black and white photographs of movie actresses and screenwriters smoking cigarettes and drinking cognac on the balcony of so-and-so’s balcony overlooking the sea.

“The first time I came to Malibu, it was spring and the wildflowers had blossomed in the mountains.” I cry as I am writing this sentence. Why?

One, because it is a good sentence.

Two, because it is true. It was spring, and the wildflowers had blossomed, and it was me who was there. I plucked a white poppy flower from the canyon and tucked it in my hair, which was longer then. (I cry again at this story.)

And of course, it is reductive to say that the cats who like to be spanked are just my editor’s cats. These are the cats that posed with girls in black and white nudes, the photographs that I silently poured over when I was fifteen, sixteen, obsessed with a photographer who ran a magazine from his home in San Francisco. Now, Oliver Kupper, my editor, the man who taught me how to be a writer, in a studio apartment in Downtown Los Angeles (where you can apparently get coffee for $1.75 at a coffee place down the street).

I learned to drive here. (I tear up at this sentence too, probably at the word “here.”) I learned to stick half my body out the window when I am merging several lanes of traffic on the 10 east, to anthropomorphize my tiny silver hatchback. I learned to drive buzzed, to drive while putting on mascara, to drive at night, whipping past palm trees at eighty miles an hour. I learned to drive listening to the top 40 hip hop songs on the Billboard charts on Real 92.3, driving up and down Sunset Blvd in the middle of the night.

Sunset Blvd, a road, just a road. But a road attached to so many mysterious and fabulous stories that it has become more than itself. So much so that I remain blissful in Hollywood rush hour traffic, singing songs that I shouldn’t be singing, singing YG.

Why is it so hard to leave Los Angeles?

I will be back in six months, maybe less. Why is it still so hard to leave?

The love I have cultivated for this place permeates several layers of fiction and reality.

I fear I will come back and all of my illusions will have sunk with time, that I will have meetings and responsibilities and even more rent to pay. I will start to complain often of the ambulances and the smell of piss. And then my imagination of Los Angeles will not be so romantic anymore.

More than this, I fear the fantasy will wash over me, that I will be consumed by cognac and cigarettes on the balcony, interviews with people who are photographed often, long drives down Sunset. I am afraid that I will return to Los Angeles and there will be no time to go to the mountains or the beach, to put a white poppy in my hair, and that nothing here will feel so real anymore.

In the meantime, I will be relishing in my ability to say the word “here” until my mother drops me off at LAX and I wave all my kisses goodbye.

Maneesh in Los Angeles by Shane Jones

photograph by Daido Moriyama

text by Shane Jones

       On Saturday mornings Maneesh tells Sarah things. They have lived together for six months. Sarah refuses to define their relationship, so Sarah is just Sarah and she lives her life saying she has a cold. Maneesh doesn’t understand why Sarah always has a cold, but she says she does and she likes to talk about it. Once a week Sarah works for a veterinarian who makes house calls. The only reason he makes house calls is to put dogs to sleep. The only reason he employs Sarah is to have someone in the house if the dog is too big. 

       Maneesh wants to marry Sarah. He feels embarrassed that he desperately wants to marry a woman named Sarah who has a cold all the time and puts dogs to sleep. Back home his parentsquestion their non-arrangement. They call Sarah “The Sahara” and when Maneesh asks what that means exactly they go silent. Regardless, they send money every month and are happy to do so. His mother places dried flowers, from their backyard, intothe envelope, and during the trip they become dust. His father sketches clouds in pencil across the top of the envelope and the mailman once used a black pen and drew some slanted rain. 

        The worst thing Sarah has ever said to Maneesh he has written on a purple post-it note. This one mean thing, so heartless, he holds onto, and before taking a shower, he unfolds the purple post-it note, reads the question, and tries to answer it. What the mean thing is never seems as mean as when he first heard it. They were arguing about money. They always argue about money because money is the most important thing in the world. Sarah said that he could never make it alone because he had no friends in LA. She narrowed her eyes and said, “When was the last time someone asked you how you were?” 

         Maneesh is on a job interview at The Dick Motel. His resume is completely blank, there is absolutely nothing on it. The man sitting behind the desk, Mr. Dick, feels required to interview a person with a name like Maneesh. Mr. Dick has a framed picture of his five children. All five children are dressed in North Face jackets and Under Armour pants. Maneesh looks at the picture and sighs. 

        “Tell me about yourself,” says Mr. Dick. 

         Maneesh describes the field of flowers back home and the spice market and the golden temple and the cows that produce toxic milk because they eat street garbage. To some of the people who interview him his life seems exotic. Sometimes the interviewers talk about Cancun and Maneesh smiles and nods. 

        “But who are you really,” says Mr. Dick. 

          This has never happened before. Such a question! Maneesh lists off adjectives, none of which accurately describe him, most of which he’s not sure the definition of. Still, it sounds pretty good. 

         Mr. Dick doesn’t speak for five minutes. Finally, Mr. Dick says, “What’s your favorite animal?”

        “Dog,” says Maneesh. “Simple and noble and they give you everything.”

         “Let me clarify. Any animal in the world. That includes jungle.”

         “Definitely dog,” says Maneesh. 

          By the end of the interview Maneesh isn’t sure he has the job. A salary is discussed, so it seems like he has the job. He’s not even sure what the job is. But Maneesh will return the next day at 8 a.m. and see what happens. He needs a job so he can marry Sarah and be happy. 

         It is raining outside and too dark for a summer evening. Waiting at the bus stop Maneesh isn’t sure if he should celebrate or look for more jobs. He sits on the metal bench inside the bus stop and with both hands he holds the purple post-it note. 

       “Doctor’s are now saying you should squat on the toilet,” says Sarah. “To get your shit out.” 

       “What?” says Maneesh, amazed. “Is that news?”

       “Maybe it would make me have fewer colds,” says Sarah. “Seems kind of funny though, squatting on the toilet and not sitting, like a normal person.”

       “Right,” says Maneesh.

       Sarah is in the suburbs at the Dick’s house. She is with the veterinarian and the dying dog’s owner, Mrs. Dick, who can’t stop crying. She is going through a divorce and now this. The Dick’s dog is so large Sarah is startled every time she leaves the room and comes back into the room. The reason she leaves the room so many times is to text Maneesh. She says things like, “God, I am so sick today, not sure I can make it,” and “My cold is so bad I think I might pass out.” Nothing Maneesh texts back is good enough.

        The veterinarian likes doing mushrooms and reading horoscopes. Putting dogs to sleep has made him into a weirdo. He used to wear a hemp necklace until Sarah told him to stop. On many occasions he has refused to put down any other animal besides a dog because he believes other animals aren’t as close to God. He said this years ago while on mushrooms, but even sober, he believes it. 

        When he’s on mushrooms he tells Sarah by texting a picture of a palm tree. This was a mistake the first time, but it was funny, so now the palm tree is a running joke. Today the veterinarian is not on mushrooms. Sarah’s job is to hold the back quarters of the dog still while he injects the dog with the chemicals that will kill it.

        “It’s a nice dog,” says Sarah. “I’m sure you gave him a wonderful life.”

         Mrs. Dick is on the living room floor, about ten feet from Sarah and the vet. She looks like she is praying but she is crying so much.

         Once, Sarah and the vet had to put down a German shepherd named Brutus. Brutus hadn’t been groomed in ten years and his tongue never stopped bleeding. For Halloween, the owner’s daughter went as Little Red Riding Hood with Brutus. On first entering the house Sarah had hated the dog. When Brutus was injected with the poison he swept his paw down and on top of Sarah’s hand.

         Once, the veterinarian called Sarah for an emergency job, it had been a few weeks, and when she hung up she said, “I love you.” She didn’t mean it. She only said it because she had a fear of saying “I love you” on the phone to a stranger. And now, it had happened. After the emergency job – two dogs in one visit – the vet texted Sarah a palm tree and a purple heart. 

        When all the poison is inside Mrs. Dick’s dog the vet has Sarah hold the needle so he can get more poison. Some dogs are so big they need more poison to put them to sleep forever. Sarah feels the need to keep talking to Mrs. Dick who is now flat on the carpet with her face pressed into the carpet. She’s not that upset about the dog. “You gave him everything,” says Sarah. “A life of love.”

         Sarah and the vet place the dog inside a purple bag. It’s purple because black is too morbid. This is the vet’s idea and he is proud of it. Even in the driveway Sarah hears Mrs. Dick crying. The vet needs his money. Before he comes out and gets into the car he texts Sarah “j/k” and a palm tree. A second later he sends a heart. 

         They began having sex several times a day shortly after their first date. Maneesh was surprised by this. It was a lot of sex! The only other girlfriend he had ever had while living in LA was a woman who liked sex on Thursday only, which she deemed, “Sophie’s Day.” But Sarah was different. Sarah was insatiable because she couldn’t love anyone. Maneesh was a careful lover and for cologne he wore rosewater which Sarah liked to smell off his shoulders. Sarah enjoyed fast humping. Maneesh increased his humps per minute and felt ridiculous. He wanted to be married so he humped until it hurt. Sarah told Maneesh to put a hand on her throat. He refused. Maneesh loved Sarah by telling her everything he would accomplish in his life. Sarah thought that a person who does this accomplishes nothing. 

         For ten days Maneesh goes to his job. He’s not sure he has the job because he hasn’t been paid. When he showed up the following morning after the interview, Mr. Dick seemed surprised. 

       “You came back,” said Mr. Dick. 

        “Ready to work,” Maneesh said. 

         Mr. Dick waited a while then smiled. “Favorite animal is a dog.”

        “We had discussed money, so I assumed,” said Maneesh. 

        The job is guarding a small swimming pool behind the motel. Maneesh is not a lifeguard. He has no such training. He just makes sure no one is to go swimming. Mr. Dick doesn’t want anyone in the water. The Dick Motel is performing poorly on the financial spectrum. A boy drowned last month. He went down the slide and became so shocked by the cold water that he had an anxiety attack in the deep end. So Maneesh, from sunrise to sunset, watches the pool and points people away from the water. 

        At the end of his tenth day Mr. Dick hands Maneesh five hundred dollars in cash. It is much less than employing a lifeguard and letting people have fun. The motel now charges 35 cents for a bucket of ice. In the future the motel will have one resident and it will be Mr. Dick.

       Sarah can’t sleep because it’s too hot. The air-conditioner is on but it’s not strong enough. Their bed is a mattress on the floor. Next to her on the floor Sarah keeps her phone and when it goes off a little light blooms in the room. 

       She gets a text from the veterinarian. This has been happening more frequently. Sarah rolls onto her side and squints into the light. The screen is all palm trees and hearts. She doesn’t respond. He sends more. 

       They are out drinking coffee at Sarah’s favorite coffee place. It’s called Starbucks and Sarah likes to sit outside under the green umbrellas so people can see her. She has a headache and says she can barely open her eyes. Her throat is raw but the coffee soothes. It’s a very bad cold this time around and she needs to take time off work. 

“But you only work once a week,” says Maneesh. “For an hour.”

“Exactly,” says Sarah. “I need to clear my schedule. I need Sarah time.”

“I’ve been saving money,” says Maneesh, smiling. 

“Don’t smile,” says Sarah. “You look pervy.”

Maneesh lowers his chin and bites his bottom lip.

         “Men shouldn’t smile so much at women. It’s oppressive.”   

         “I’m saving for our future,” says Maneesh, not smiling. “I have great plans.”

         "A Sarah day,” says Sarah. “Once a week where I get to do whatever I want.”

        “Hm,” Maneesh says. 

        “Today’s good,” she says and finishes her coffee. “Now let’s go home and do fast humps.”

         “You can’t act this way when we’re married,” saysManeesh. “Back home they won’t allow such behavior.”

        “What are you talking about?”

         “This is my proposal,” says Maneesh and he falls to one knee. There is a five hundred dollar ring in his open palm. It is beautiful. 

         “I thought this would happen,” says Sarah. 

         Maneesh is unpopular at the motel where there is a guy who says he designs airplanes so he spends all day writing mechanical equations on his body. There is a woman who hides beer in the ice machine. There is a guy who calls himself Morphine Man who spends more time in his van than his motel room. There is a stray dog named George that everyone loves but no one will take responsibility for. They all dislike Maneesh. They don’t care that a boy drowned. Visible water you can’t enter in LA is torture.

       Maneesh sits inside the gate at a patio table next to the pool. A car pulls into a parking spot. A woman is inside. Ten minutes later a pick-up truck parks three spots from her. A man gets out, walks to the front desk, and enters the motel room closest to where the woman’s car is parked. Five more minutes pass until the woman leaves her car and opens the motel room door, which is unlocked and left slightly open. An hour later the man leaves. The woman leaves ten minutes after. Maneesh holds his face with his hands. 

       Every night before it becomes dark and the little yellow motel lights come on outside each room, Mr. Dick appears in his Chevy Cruze. He parks on the side of the motel where there is an entrance. From his trunk he unloads a dozen black trash bags. A woman, much older than Mr. Dick, helps him bring the bags inside. They are huge bags, and the old woman is very small but very strong and she takes three bags in each hand and she can barely fit through the door. One night, Mr. Dick left his car right there and in the morning his car was still there. But most nights, Mr. Dick leaves. He comes back in the morning to work the front desk because he has fired everyone but Maneesh and a maid who is into heroin and skinny dipping in the dark. 

         If he’s in a good mood Mr. Dick brings Maneesh a coffee in the morning. He hands him a clipboard and paper where Maneesh writes down when and who tries to swim in the pool. Soon, he will have enough for the plane tickets back home. 

       “Do you like America,” says Mr. Dick. 

       “You are going to have to be more specific,” Maneesh says. 

        “Our way of life, our food, our manner of moving through the world.”

        At the ice machine is the woman who hides beer inside the machine. She has the flap open and is kneeling in front of it. Her eyes are closed. “Doctor Franks,” she says. “You are needed in the recovery room.”

         “I like the flag,” says Maneesh. 

          Eventually, Sarah agrees to marry Maneesh. She stops complaining about her colds. She’s not even sure she had a cold before, she just liked talking about having a cold. It’s a way to complain and get sympathy for a while until the other person has nothing to say and then she can still keep talking. Sarah realizes she just really likes to talk and have no one talk back to her. She doesn’t necessarily like this about herself, but she accepts it. 

          The engagement is a great success for Maneesh. He looks at the purple post-it note with the mean thing on it and puts it back in his pants. His parents seem thrilled. They stop calling Sarah “The Sahara” which is a nice thing to do. They will have the wedding there. They will invite one hundred people. 

         It is all so strange and exotic. Sarah spends less time looking at her friends on her phone. None of them have children so they have dogs they take pictures with. Sarah has to like each picture. But now Sarah thinks about being married and having a child. She doesn’t tell Maneesh this. Her likes on her friend’s dog photos become random. Her friends are offended and happy for her. The colors of the wedding will be white and turquoise and long beads will be on every neck and wrist. Rose petals will lead them everywhere. Marble, thinks Sarah, is a nice name for a baby girl. 

         Maneesh collects his last five hundred dollars and lets everyone into the pool. Mr. Dick is furious. It’s a small pool to begin with and there are too many people in it. They fill the pool shoulder-to-shoulder and on the slide are half a dozen people drinking Bud Light. One person wears a clown wig. 

“Why are you doing this?” says Mr. Dick. 

          “To make the people happy,” says Maneesh. “I am embarking on the most joyful part of my life and I want to share it with everyone.”

         “Half of these people are child molesters,” says Mr. Dick. 

         “I am in love and you are not,” says Maneesh. “So we see the world differently. I couldn’t be more happier than I am now.”

         Mr. Dick waves hello at a motel resident slapping his belly, seemingly, in his direction. “I didn’t ask how you were feeling,” says Mr. Dick. 

        “On top of the world,” says Maneesh. 

        They are back at Starbucks drinking coffee. The ring on her finger is perfect and a passing man in all gray sweatpants and shirt gives them a thumbs up. Maneesh tells Sarah that the flight is 17 hours. 

“Oh my God,” says Sarah. 

“We can play games,” says Maneesh. 

“Games?”

         “On our phones,” says Maneesh. “Like this.” He shows her his phone with a squirrel running from one side of the screen to the other side of the screen catching falling acorns from an autumnal tree.  

        “Maybe this isn’t such a good idea after all,” says Sarah. 

        Maneesh does the pervert face. “I am King Love. You are Queen Bee.

        “For the wedding,” says Sarah. “How many elephants can we have?”

        Maneesh stares at Sarah. 

         Sarah quits her job and the veterinarian has a coughing fit. He wants her to stay. He has never directly confessed his feelings so he will destroy everything around him. They are outside in his car. They have just finished putting down a Doberman Pincher. Sarah feels nothing. It is her least favorite dog in the world. The owner is a physical therapist who showed her an entire room filled with Bruce Springsteen memorabilia. 

“I’ll be gone for a month, maybe more,” says Sarah. “I’ll come back a married woman.”

“I’m on mushrooms,” says the vet.

         Through the windshield Sarah sees the physical therapist filling out the paperwork at his dining room table. His forehead is supported by his index finger and thumb. Sarah imagines him listening to depressing Bruce Springsteen songs.

“Can you see me,” says Sarah, “being a wife?”

“Not really,” says the vet. “How about some mushrooms.”

“But isn’t that a bad sign?” says Sarah. “You’re into astrology. Doesn’t my horoscope say what I should do?”

         “Sarah,” says the vet. “I’m afraid we have come to the closing chapter in our shared experience. We came together in death, laughed together in death, and now, we leave together in death.”

“But I’m getting married,” says Sarah. “In India.”

“The stars are overrated,” says the vet. 

          The day before the 17 hour flight Maneesh buys a coffee for everyone at the motel. He knocks on each door, leaves the coffee on the ground, and then moves to the next door. 

“What is this about,” says Morphine Man. 

“Victory,” says Maneesh. 

       A few residents open their door, look at the coffee, then close the door. Mr. Dick is asleep in his Chevy Cruze with the old woman knitting in the passenger seat. 

       “From lottery winnings,” says Morphine Man. 

        “No, not at all,” says Maneesh, smiling. “I’m going back home to get married. I’ve met a woman and we are going to have a life together.”

       Morphine Man drinks his coffee. He stops drinking his coffee but keeps the coffee cup against his mouth and nose while looking at Maneesh. Then he lowers the cup and says, “Talk about a dream and try to make it real.”

       Sarah isn’t sure how she got everything so wrong in her imagination but the wedding ceremony isn’t in a church but at the home of Maneesh’s parents. It is lovely. They have decorated for weeks. There are two chairs colored gold in the living room on a riser. Maneesh wears a perfect white suit that is so soft that Sarah cries when she touches it. There is the backyard full of flowers. She looks at the backyard full of flowers and they are married. 

         There is cake. On the cake are one hundred candles. This is a tradition. Every person at the wedding takes a candle and walks outside where they form a circle with Maneesh and Sarah in the center. She knows no one. Everyone has a dog sitting next to them as they stand. Everyone makes their wish for the couple. They don’t blow the candle out. Rather, they put the candle out with their fingertips, nod at Maneesh and Sarah, and then, the next person goes. The ring of light dials down to dark. The sky is a light blue, almost white, with both the sun and moon visible. Sarah believes she can smell sand in the breeze. Then it’s just Maneesh and Sarah standing in the center with their candles. They make a wish for each other. 

        There is great applause and cheering. The dogs sit still. A weeping man hugs Maneesh around his thighs that Sarah is pretty sure is his father. Another person holds a small dog against his chest while spinning and looking at the sky with his eyes closed. Maneesh and Sarah run into the house so people can throw things into the air. 

        “Tell me,” says Sarah, in Maneesh’s childhood bedroom. “Come on, tell me what you wished for.”

        “It’s sacred,” says Maneesh. “You wouldn’t tell me your birthday wish at Applebee’s last year.”

         “We should do fast humps,” says Sarah. 

         “My family is outside,” says Maneesh. He points out the window and his uncle nods his drink at him. The dogs haven’t moved an inch. They remain in a circle. 

         Sarah pushes Maneesh against the door and kisses his neck. Maneesh puts a hand on her throat. She feels scared so she laughs. Then she tells him to keep going. He squeezes her throat and kisses her on the mouth. He kisses her forehead. She coughs. Everyone outside is happy. But they are not as happy as Maneesh and Sarah. How could they be? He lifts her dress. There really are flowers everywhere. He slides his fist across her stomach. “What the hell are you doing?” says Sarah. He slides his fist into his pocket. The purple post-it note remains because they are in love. 


Shane Jones (b. 1980) lives in upstate New York. His first novel, Light Boxes, was originally published by Publishing Genius Press in a print run of 500 copies in 2009. The novel was reviewed widely, the film option purchased by Spike Jonze (Where The Wild Things Are, Adaptation), and the book was reprinted by Penguin Group in 2010. Light Boxes has been translated in eight languages and was named an NPR best book of the year. In August of 2012 Penguin released a new novel, Daniel Fights a Hurricane. Shane is also the author of the novella The Failure Six.


[Non-Fiction] Sexy Lexi and The San Fernando Valley Fuck Switch a.k.a. Less Than Shapiro

Sexi Lexi and the San Fernando Valley Fuck Switch a.k.a Less Than Shapiro

by Max Barrie

 

To my critics… I wish you all of you peace, love and anal leakage.  But you’re not allowed to use my toilet.  Try the Chevron on the corner you hush-hush cocksuckers.

         Every word I type is true… I don’t do semi-fictional… I’m not James Frey.  Everyone has their version of things and this is mine.  The names are changed to protect the guilty, but that’s about as fictitious as I get.  ALSO, I wish I knew as much about me as all of you do.  If you have an opinion about my life or my recovery… if you think you know something OR see me as cookie cutter spoiled trash, I respect that.  You’re not wrong, but that is simply your take.  I’ll admit it stings a little when you flash your funhouse mirrors, then poke at me with your pedestrian solutions and tough love that I’m either too naive or too stubborn to adhere to.  If it didn’t hurt I wouldn’t be writing this.

                   When I say ONE THING, different people hear different things.  So just to go on record— I do not blame anyone for ME.  I tell MY stories, I report MY news.  I know us humans often look out the window instead of at our reflection because it sits better with our psyche… but believe me I spend plenty of time in the bathroom poking myself in the chest.  There are certainly people I wouldn’t thank during my Oscar speech but that doesn’t mean I sit around all day pointing my dick at every cunt I see.  I do believe that in this life there’s an ongoing “lack of insight” Bar-Mitzvah theme down every road I travel.  But at the end of the day I know I’m a lottery winner and ultimately responsible for my actions… not my thoughts… my actions— and making my way in the world.

         I am a fussy baby bitch that would be a blow up doll behind bars, but in front of my Macbook I’m anything but.  I’m King Shit of Turd Island and I will take you apart piece by piece for peace.  I will filet your nameless anus and cut off your anonymous tongue.  I promise.  Often in life I throw temper tantrums that nobody can hear… and if they do hear something, they think it’s the gardener and shut the window.  So hear this.  I want my turn on the seesaw, I want my twenty-percent-off coupon at Bed Bath and Beyond and I want a dirty girl with clear skin to fuck me gently.  So if my writing cracks open that door, hand me a Bic Pen and a napkin.

         But there’s more to my chicken scratch than desperately needing a voice or claiming a prize.  Selfishly I scribble to keep my head from bursting like a water balloon.  If I don’t constantly stay creative, you will inevitably find me at Ruth’s Chris on Beverly Drive, stuffing an entire ribeye into my body and spilling Heineken down my pants because it feels good.  Writing for me is pushing a never-ending shit-log out of an infinite asshole.  I keep it moving so I don’t get backed up.

         If I write for other people, which I’ve tried before, I’m in a great deal of danger.  I paint alone, I type alone and I’ll probably leave earth alone… unless it’s on Virgin Galactic.  Speaking of saying goodbye— I also write to make sure there’s documentation of all this silliness because I’m gonna be dead very soon.  I’ll be strolling down North Crescent to meet the vagina of my dreams… and before I reach the hotel entrance I’m gonna have a massive heart attack, hit my head on a wooden bench and bleed out on the pink walkway.  Later that day I’ll be offered a book deal.

Ladies and Gentlemen… may I present: Sexy Lexi        

         The actual vagina of my dreams was and will probably always belong to Lexi Shapiro.  I first heard her raspy voice on a three-way landline call when we were eleven years old.  She was a friend of a friend of mine.  He was a dick and his whole family were dildos, but at that age I would have followed him off the Malibu Pier because I thought he was cool.  I forget exactly why he introduced me to Lexi… but my guess is he wanted to show me that even at that young age he was no stranger to strange.  Soon the three of us met up at Century City— not the shopping mall, but the creepy complex across the street where the massive CAA building now shimmers.

         Lexi looked like Claire Forlani before I had ever seen Claire Forlani.  At eleven however, she was still quite subtle and wore thick glasses.  There was really nothing super unique about her… another half-Jewish girl from The Valley with dirty blonde hair.  Still, something happened when I first met her in person… those magnified peepers flipped a switch in my misshapen little mind.  And I couldn’t explain it then and I can’t really articulate it now… but the process would be irreversible.  To this day I regularly think about her.

         It was like all of a sudden I had a purpose in life and it was to make Lexi love me.  But how?  At the time I had recently seen Disney’s Aladdin… but I didn’t know Robin Williams, nor did we have Fuckheimer genie money.  I was also short and chubby with a puffy “butt cut—” as a result of Hebrew heritage and my 90’s Stussy image.  Winning her heart would be no humble feat.

         From sixth grade to age twenty-six any of my Lexi fairy tales would put you to sleep by 7:30pm.  But I’ll give you a bit of background.  Coincidently she and I ended up attending the same synagogue with our families, and sometimes we ate together… we spoke on the phone occasionally… we also kicked it at certain social gatherings.  And even though I was a Beverly Hills boy and she was a Valley girl, she introduced me to Il Tramezzino on Canon… much like Lexi, their “chicken special” would change the game forever.

         By the time we were fifteen her glasses came off… and her nose may have been adjusted.  Either that or she and every third girl I knew were accidentally breaking their beaks over summer break.  One night she wanted to see a chick flick at CityWalk.  I was balls deep in the friend zone and I didn’t even know it.  At the time I saw this as an opportunity, but feared my dick would explode and I would shit my pants before the movie started.  How would I make her see me the way that I perceived her, as a portal to some sort of earthy paradise?  It also didn’t help my case that I looked like the Jewish Eddie Munster.

         I found my dad in his home office and begged and pleaded with him to get me a Town Car and a driver for the evening.  In my mind the vehicle would serve two purposes.  One— I would give this Toluca Lake Tootsie a taste of the good life… and two— it would prevent any parental figures from fucking up my chance of a first kiss.  I was fifteen and would’ve easily picked making out over any amount of Apple stock.  These days I don’t even like kissing… the tongues, the saliva, the bacteria… get away from me.  If a mouth isn’t pristine, she might as well be wearing a Beekeeper’s mask during intercourse.

         My father, bless his heart, eventually gave in and ordered the Town Car.  Is it the right thing to do to get a ninth grader a car and driver for the evening?  My guess is many would object… but I think in some bizarro way he empathized with how twisted up I was over this Lexi situation.  And at that time I truly believed she was the answer to my cancer.


"Moaning and groaning in ecstasy…  clearly this reaction was drug induced because anytime I had fooled around with women in the past, they usually reacted like my dog ate their homework.  Of course I’m referring to the ladies that weren’t handing me an invoice after I ejaculated."


         She did seem impressed by the chaffered car, but the flash didn’t aid my confidence.  Never did, never will.  And after sitting through a horrific Gwyneth Paltrow movie in Universal City, nothing magical happened on or off-screen.  I remember her hugging me when the car dropped her at home… and I recall feeling sorrow and shame during the ride back to my Dad’s place.  I even assumed the driver thought I was on the down-low.

         So many similar stories.  Some of them with Lexi, but also many of them with my imaginary girlfriend, Abigail.  When Abby finally gave me head after senior prom, she wouldn’t even swallow my make-believe semen.  My real date that night was supposedly a Seventeen model and treated me like I was contagious.

Years later

         I was twenty-six years young when I had dinner with Lexi at a Greek restaurant on Larchmont.  This evening would not end until sunrise.  And there’s not much of a story to tell, but this night was quite significant for me.  If you asked her today, I’m sure she wouldn’t even remember.  I was sober, but she sure as hell wasn’t.  Even five years later I believed that had this one adventure gone differently, life would’ve been kitten biscuits.

         Before ye judge, no one was taken advantage of.  I’m an asshole, but I’m not a fucking asshole.

         Dinner eventually led us to a Hollywon’t night spot.  I shelled out several hundred dollars for a fully loaded table, but I didn’t touch the poison on it… I was dry for some reason.  I was the designated driver, but that couldn’t have been the reason.  There was a Led Zeppelin cover band playing and I could feel my pulse in my eardrums.  To this day whenever I hear “Whole Lotta Love” I have PTSD.

         Lexi kept drinking booze at our table and taking frequent trips to the bathroom.  I was so lost in my head that it didn’t occur to me until later that she was doing blow… a lot of it.  She eventually revealed her voodoo vial of bright white, but I wasn’t having any.  I heard my Step-Mother’s voice— “One sniff could be your last.”  I did cocaine for the first time later that year with my buddy Blooper.  I remember I pulled out a one-dollar bill and Bloop explained that higher currency was probably less contaminated— which actually made sense even though the product had just been up someone’s ass.  Still, like Lexi and the “chicken special,” lines would become shape-shifters in my game.

         After the nightclub, I could walk you through the night beat by beat.  But I’d like to speed it up a tad because this isn’t MY magazine, it’s just MY column in someone else’s magazine… and I’m lucky to have it.

         I ended up driving Lexi’s car because she was so toe-up.  I didn’t realize until that evening how hard she liked to party.  Booze and blow… then while we’re cruising down Wilshire Boulevard, she pops the glovebox and a giant honey jar of Kush falls into her lap.  She can’t stop laughing… at this point I’m freaking out inside— convinced jail is just a BOOP-BOOP away.  But I’m playing it cool or at least Larry David’s version of cool.  Lexi soon wants to stop for rolling papers and also mentions that she wants to… fuck me in half.  Huh?  Can you not rinse but repeat that?

         After fifteen long years the girl of my dreams who always looked at me like a My Buddy Doll, saw me the way I saw her… only it was through very thick beer goggles.  We grabbed Zig-Zags at Rite-Aid and drove to The Valley, while she proceeded to get very stoned.  At one point while I was driving she leaned over and stuck her tongue in my ear… I nearly drove into a mountain.

         At the time I was renting a loft in Hancock Park, but I never bought furniture… don’t ask.  I had this big empty apartment with a desk and a mattress on the floor.  By now Lexi was so high and horny I could’ve fucked her in Griffith Park and told her it was the New Outdoor Marriott.  But I didn’t do that.  And I was too ashamed to bring her back to my place… so we headed toward her family’s home where she was staying.

         The story doesn’t end there… who am I kidding, it basically does.  Before we reached her destination she instructed me to pull over on a quiet street off of Beverly Glen.  I did as I was told.  Lexi crawled over into the driver’s seat and straddled me… we started kissing passionately and she looked like she was literally in heaven.  Moaning and groaning in ecstasy…  clearly this reaction was drug induced because anytime I had fooled around with women in the past, they usually reacted like my dog ate their homework.  Of course I’m referring to the ladies that weren’t handing me an invoice after I ejaculated.

         I started using my fingers on Lexi and she went wild… but when she pulled her panties further to the side and went for the yogurt gun, I stopped her.  “We shouldn’t do this.”  As I’m writing now I want to hop in Doc’s DeLorean, travel back in time and punch myself in the fucking eye!  I suppose I didn’t want to take advantage of a drunk girl… and I didn’t want to cum inside her… and I didn’t want to get caught by the authorities… and what if she had HPV and I became a carrier?

         I drove her home, parked her car and she gracefully stumbled toward her front door.  She asked how I would get back?  And like we were kids, I spun a story of a driver that would come pick me up.  Lexi smiled and said goodnight.  Walking up Ventura Boulevard before sunrise was beyond depressing… I eventually called a cab.  On the ride back I felt what I can only describe as hollow torment.

         In my youth I was spit on, hit with food, threatened, blackmailed, slapped, kicked, name-called, humiliated, overlooked, ignored, criticized, isolated and labeled learning disabled.  I was not always, but often in the thick of it… and I’m NOT feeling sorry for myself you mummies!  I want to try and understand how come after years of battle in Cost Angeles, I let Lexi Shapiro’s magical vagina literally slip through my fingers?  Do I just “like the way it hurts” like Rihanna?  I don’t think I’m a nice guy… well, nice-ish at times.  Maybe unconsciously I knew that if I stuck it in I’d beat the game, then wake up only to relive this Lifemare all over?

            I tried tirelessly, but Lexi wouldn’t see me again after that.  She has since left Los Angeles and started a family.


Max Barrie is a writer and artist currently based in Los Angeles. The son of screenwriters, Michael Barrie and Sally Robinson, Max was born and raised in Beverly Hills, California. With acerbic wit and self deprecating humor, Max documents his life growing up in the shallow, superficial depths of Beverly Hills and the Hollywood machine. In his multiple part autobiographical series, entitled A Trendy Tragedy, Max will explore his bouts with addiction, prostitution and his search for identity in a landscape that is rife with temptation and false ideals. 

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